Are they toxic or are you just setting "read my mind" expectations...
The communication gap, and the toxic cycle of labels and expectations.
Last week I wrote a newsletter where I talked about how the sun is currently transiting through my third house of communication. I have done so much work on my communication skills over the last eight years of my life that when this transit prompted me to look at this area again more closely I all but jumped at the chance to share this recent experience I got to have with my dad with all of you.
If you had told me ten years ago that I would be sitting in a cafe writing an article about communication regarding ANYONE let alone my family I would have never believed it.
But something a therapist said to me back in 2012 that had little impact on me at the time would come to grow into a very foundational piece in the work I’ve done and studied over my life thus far.
She asked me, “How would you rate your father on a scale of 1 to 10 as a Dad?”
I think I instantly began sweating as if there were some portal opening that would siphon my answer through space and time directly to my father’s ears the moment I opened my mouth.
“A ….. nine? I guess?” As if saying anything less than that was going to place negative judgment on my father like this was some assessment test he needed to pass. -Btw Dad, if you’re reading this you’re still a nine because nothing is perfect in our house ;) love you. -
Without saying anything else she then asked, “How would you rate your father on a scale of 1 to 10 as a person?”
BOOM.
I’m sorry. WHAT?
I remember thinking, “Excuse me? Are they different? Is this a trick question?”
I honestly do not recall the rest of the conversation but the perspective shift that shook me to my core would reverberate through my mind always, in countless relationships, in rooms of strangers and close friends, at gas stations, and passing hallways.
People are not the labels we give them. They are and always will be the people they are before they are anyone else’s idea of them.
The problems begin when we take in labels of those around us and intricately weave in society’s “acceptible” representations of those labels, all the while emotionally finding our validation, worth, and judgment not only of others but ourselves inside of how those labels are being represented.
I’m sure you can still hear it in whomever’s voice from growing up:
“Ladies don’t speak or act like that.”
“boys don’t cry.”
“Dads are supposed to know how to change a tire.”
“Mom’s cook dinner.”
“best friends don’t do those things.”
“sister’s …..[fill in your expereince]”
“brothers….[“]”
etc
etc
etc
We take it personally, we create whole stories and back stories about them, and we claim we won’t ever become like “that.”
We judge ourselves on how much of a girl we are, or how much of a man we are, how good of a sister we’ve been…. it all influences us, and changes us.
So what is this point I’m making, it’s now that you have this new liberating lens to look through to hopefully take some strain off of the people in our lives. I want to share my example of it in real-time.
[[if you’re on my Monthly Round up list, you can scroll to the updated takeaways below]]
A few weeks ago I was having one of those days where my self-confidence was wavering and it overall was a very low-energy day. Self-doubt started to creep in and instead of allowing my mind to run away with the stories that ultimately would make my rough day worse, I decided to reach out to my dad who is usually a steadfast source for “you can do anything you put your mind to, just put your head down and do the work,” kind of guy.
So I sent him a text that went something like, -[when you have time] I'm struggling lately with my self-confidence, and as much as I know I can use my knowledge and skills as a coach to help and support people I'm having a hard time showing up and sharing what I have to offer… Can you reassure me that I'm skilled enough to make an impact and to stop doubting myself?-
I mindfully crafted this text because I wanted him to know:
a) I didn't need his immediate attention, this isn't time sensitive or urgent.
b) how I was feeling
c) what I needed from him that would feel supportive for me
I also added to the end a part about helping him set up his new Apple watch the following day because he mentioned that in previous texts and that's when I had available time next.
His response after my vulnerable and emotional request?
“maybe later - say 8 EST - 5pm your time.” talking about a time to help him set up his watch.
The conversation ended with some simple yea that works, thanks, sure back and forth and I was not only feeling sad about how hours of my day had been chalked up to feeling crappy about myself but on top of that I asked for support from my dad and got ignored. Needless to say, I was bummed.
And no, I did not call him the following evening to help with his watch because I knew I couldn't show up and not be angry and hurt.
Flash forward to a few days ago, my dad texted me about something that he wanted my attention on and I gave him very curt and borderline rude responses. He picked up on that and instantly in my guts I knew I was acting out of alignment.
I sent him a text back that said:
His reply:
So what's the point? I think there are a few things inside of this experience for me that I learned and I hope you can benefit too.
Takeaways
People can not read your mind, and if they hurt you, if you want to mend things, you need to tell them using the most neutral language you can. I think many people have heard about using “I” statements and not “you” statements but in practice, I'm not sure it lands on how to do this. So from my text example, saying, “It felt like you didn't care,” is another way of saying “I felt hurt.” Rather than just saying “You didn't care” or even “I feel hurt when you don't care.” Center it around your own experiences of the FACTS of the situation, not your interpretation of the situation and this will usually help the responder to not automatically feel on the defensive.
How people hurt us is not our fault, but it is our responsibility to make choices on how we want to respond and move forward. Continually subjecting yourself to a person when who or how they are makes you feel bad has no reward for endurance. You have the choice to communicate to this person that this way of being is no longer working for you and see if something changes or you can choose to walk away and not say anything at all because… (truth bomb: you don't owe anyone anything and no, it doesn't make you a bad person).
Lastly, as it relates to the labels and expectations we place on others. I know I am guilty of saying things like, “I just want him to be my dad” when he’s done something that disappoints me like missing a moment to encourage me when I’m down….meanwhile having full awareness that he is acting in complete alignment with who he has always been. When people show you who you are, let them, because when we start teaching ourselves to love people for who they are and where they are at before we claim to love them through the conditional label or expectations we may have it opens up so much room for a truer and deeper connection with the people we get to be together. AND ALSO when we allow people who be who they are, we get to remove the bullshit from the roots instead of scraping for the scraps of what people give us through the hope a label might give them, and/or us.
These are just the big ones that came to me off the top of my head. But overall, I think the big things that stay with me about communication and labels is that we have to take responsibility for saying how we feel and work on our tolerance of the fact that not only can the communicating part of this deal be uncomfortable but how people respond, or don't respond, or not change, or not care can also be deeply wounding and uncomfortable. We also must recognize that although this isn’t our fault, we have to make the shift. Relationships are strained as it is in a world where we are inundated with self-worth and comparison issues. It doesn’t make it easy, AND it doesn't make it any less important or necessary.
If you haven’t listened to yesterday’s episode of the She’s Hungry Podcast, listen to the episode here for more of my thoughtful insight: Latest Episode Here.
Love you, mean it!
Xx, C