Asking Better Questions

80% of what we believe is subconscious, so when we can get honest enough to bring any of that up to the conscious 20%... especially around fear or shame, it's worth investigating with better questions

“I don’t feel lovable as I am.”

This is something a friend of mine admitted to me lately, and I think we can all relate that immediately in our humanity, we want to quell this place of hurt in people we love. We can unpack this a million different ways that compassion and care doesn’t automatically mean fixing the pain, dismissing it, or trying to remove it.

I invite you, the next time you feel this kind of reaction rise up in you to pause and feel into what the situation needs or if that’s not territory you trust yet, simply ask. I love something my friend Anne says, she shared...”do you want to be held, helped, or heard,” it’s a beautiful consensual invitation.

Often times people don’t really know what to do with the invitation because they also assumed they knew what was coming next and how they were going to unload (which is fine but it’s only one option!) This exchange is awesome because it serves both parties to not overextend their emotional labor where it isn’t needed or wanted.

Alongside of that, it invites the hurt party to gain clarity on what is currently happening for them and the options they have. This won’t happen every time, or even most times but the practice is valuable and gives everyone back their agency and I think that’s a powerful muscle to build in a world hell bent on trying to take it away.

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

None of that is what this is about, but maybe I’ll write something more on this topic later.

I actually came here to say, that when we hear someone say, “I don’t feel lovable as I am,” to me, the most obvious question the most helpful people will probably ask is:

“what about who you are doesn’t feel lovable?” or “why don’t you feel lovable?”

This feels good-natured but short sighted, and ultimately unhelpful, because it still contains who you believe yourself to be inside the conditioned cage of "lovability.”

Like framing who we are based on a perceived framework built on past experiences, societal conditioning, or expectations is a narrow and biased data set. It’s looking at who you are through a tunnel with blinders on.

The better question is, “how do you believe you are?”

Think about it, “I don’t feel lovable as I am.”

This question: “How do you believe you are?”, is not through the context of lovability, although that will still come because it’s still a point inside the bigger collection of data. But the answer will encompass much more about the actual problem or fear that is rearing its ugly head than simply why they don’t feel lovable.

Overall I believe it’s better suited to ask the questions that best allow the most information to present itself because often the fear, shame, and problems lie not in our reactions but the excavation of the truth that’s being relentlessly gaurded by the reaction.

The reaction is the distraction, and intentional inquiry is the invitation.

If you are a paid subscriber, I’d love you to leave a comment and tell me if this feels helpful?

Love you, Mean it,

Xx, C